“None of my pain can show through, but my dreams, they aren’t as empty as my conscience seems to be.” – The Who (Behind Blue Eyes).
The conscience mind, well, mine in particular, has dreams of its own. It seems that I am geared towards survival and my mind makes me do what is needed, even if it isn’t always what is wanted.
That little cricket on my shoulder like Pinocchio’s Jiminy telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.
The problem is that I do want more, I need more. I know how to survive and I do it well, comfortably even. When it comes to my dreams, though, there is something missing.
Mainly it seems, it is words. More words mean more dreams. But what is it that truly stops someone?
Goals and aspirations are one thing. I believe, though, that environment is more conducive than we give it credit for. I remember living in Washington state, that dreary, grey always raining drum of dread and sadness.
Sure, Washington is beautiful country, but for a creative (at least, again, in my case) it was a drain. I spent 10 years in that foreboding state and completed a total of 3000 words. Yeah, I know.
Outside the state and I easily write 5,000 to 10,000 words per day. Lately, though, I have hit a word count slump. At first, I put it on my work. I spend most days writing a lot of words for others. Burn out, perhaps.
Then I started noticing where I am. It has been raining here at least twice a week for the last 7 months. Ever since I got here, just rain and humidity. It isn’t doing well for my creativity, at least consciously.
I still have my dreams, I pander to my goals and aspirations. But to what end?
Once again, I find myself dwindling my words and in the last 7 months, a grand total of 4,000. Way better than Washington but not good enough.
For now, I hide behind those blue eyes and force myself to get more words out. Ignoring the outside, I draw my curtains, put on some soothing music and type.
Never mind my eyes are hazel, it still counts. A little. Right?
Just have to keep going. Find my “home” and crank out words. New goals, same old dreams.